i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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