I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
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