if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
love makes seman taste better
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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