don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
