I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
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