I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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