I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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