you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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