my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
