What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
