Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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