Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
