you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We have started to decorate penises.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
