I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
