I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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