I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
