I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
