Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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