So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
