420 ftw
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
