one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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