mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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