I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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