That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
