I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
