By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
