someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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