I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
