I just found puke in my bra..
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
