Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
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i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
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I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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