The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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