i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Randomize
