You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
