im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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