new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
