Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
