your room smells of hookers.
And success
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
