he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
