I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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