It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
