D3 body, D1 cock
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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