This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
