Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
