before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
