It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
