The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
