I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
last night I used snow as a chaser
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
