I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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