As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
