DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
