Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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