How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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