After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
