Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
