a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
