He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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