i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
