You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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