I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
