I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
